On the final day of activities before the Symposium, we all come together for critical review day. I went all out and booked in for 4 mainly with tutors I had already worked with either on FMP or any other the other modules.
Wendy and Stella:
It was this review where one of the images that I wasn’t sure of where it fit was removed from the selection and I carried this decision on through the rest of the day.
Whilst I really like this image as it feels to me exactly how both my mental illness and my physical disease have affected me socially, I understand that it does not fit with the rest of my images. It also means I have an even number of 16 in my final project after its removal.
It was also suggested that I remove the titles and also the boarders and if I can change my mount board to black.
In terms of my diary entries I could consider a handout or a zine.
Jesse and Cemre:
Again they agreed that the titles are not needed.
I need to consider how I use my diary entries – I should perhaps try the Sophie Calle – Hotel Room layout.
Watch Velvet Buzzsaw on Netflox
I should perhaps shorten some of my diary entries and simplify them.
2017 I sustained an injury training for the London marathon. It was devastating. Running for me was not
only an activity that gave me my running family and the chance to socialise, it
was also the activity that ensured I was taking care of my mental health. When
this outlet was taken away from me, I not only had to cope with the physical effects
of the injury, but also a disease I did not know I was struggling with
(Rheumatoid Arthritis), this resulted in a noticeable decline in the condition
of my mental state.
project is a representation of the journey I have taken in search of mental and
physical recovery, and the difficulties I have faced along the way. This is
presented through the images that I have taken but equally important are the
diary entries that go hand in hand with each image to contextualise the
feelings and emotions I was experiencing. Del Loewenthal in the book
Phototherapy and therapeutic photography in a digital age, included the work of
Mike Simmons, who explored “a creative photographic approach: interpretation
and healing through creative practice” (Loewenthal, 2013) after reading this case
study I can see how I use photography as a way to translate my personal
experience to others, assisting me with another vocabulary to explain my background.
my recovery I took walks in an attempt to cope during the process of diagnosis
and treatment, which had a therapeutic value. Many of these walks took place at
the coast and this became the focus of my imagery due to the many connotations water
holds. There are peaks and troughs, highs and lows, rough and calm and this
reflects the pattern of mental health problems. Mental Health issues are not
always predictable – symptoms can appear and disappear, ebb and flow just like
the tide so to me it felt natural that water is my metaphor. Depth of water was
an area that I wanted to explore as not only can it be used to talk about the
depths of emotion that an individual can feel, a common phrase when people are
having a difficult time is to say that they feel out of their depth. Unless you
enter water, you cannot judge by the surface of the water what is happening below
the surface. I link this to Mental Health, as without speaking to someone you
can never know what is happening inside their mind. This is why I decided the
diary entries were so important to the final piece, as without them my audience
would not be able to see within my thoughts to see the relevance of the imagery
or why I had used water to explain these feelings.
was where Roni Horn’s Another Water came to be significant in my research, as
it also needs to be acknowledged that bodies of water are often places people
go to end their lives when life just seems too overwhelming to carry on
anymore. I didn’t want my audience to only be able to focus on the negative
feelings as this project is about a process of recovery. It is important to
acknowledge that there are good days and water was also integral to this. Many
people including myself find the sound of water, whether that be waves lapping
or streams trickling to be soothing. Water is also recommended by professionals
for its therapeutic benefits, many can find water cleansing, to wash away their
problems, and individuals like me who suffer with joint problems are encouraged
to exercise in the water to take pressure away from our bodies, to provide
relief and assist in recovery. This can also be linked to ceremonies involving
water, individuals get blessed and baptised using water and also believe
miracles occur, like those who make pilgrimages to Lourdes.
is titled Swimming Against the Tide. I chose this title as not only does it lead
directly to my subject matter but I felt that it is an introduction to how I
think the battle with mental health feels. Sometimes you are guided gently by
the water, other days you feel defeated, like being hit by crashing waves. Other
days life can just seem a struggle, you can’t move anywhere, like attempting to
swim against the flow of the water constantly meeting barriers that stop you
moving forward until the floodgates are released and you are free to once again
move with the flow of the water.
It is this metaphorical approach that I feel is required to start a dialogue and let others know it is OK to talk about the struggles. Each of my images were captured in the North-East of England near my home where each shoot was designed to ensure that I had to leave the house and confront the difficulties. The North Sea was used for both the seascapes to explore the huge unlimited expanses of water and macro water pattern shots as a way to make sense of the emotions that I was experiencing.
project outcome was presented as a pop-up exhibition and workshop in my
workplace and an additional workshop showing the techniques I used. My project
also had a social media presence.
4th April 2017.
So today I ended up in a moon boot, with the instruction of if I even attempted to carry on my training for the London Marathon I would be out of my mind! The Doctors are convinced the Achilles is intact but there could be a tear which explains the popping. To say that I am devastated does not even cover it. If only I could have lasted 3 more weeks. What am I supposed to do about my charity??? I really hope no one asks for the funds back as I have no idea how I would be able to afford it!!!
23rd April 2017.
I should have been in London today. I watched all of the coverage from start to finish, willing to see my team and more importantly my training partner, who I should have been with during the highs and the lows of the 26.2 miles. I feel cheated. I cried all day, Trying to feel positive is just not on the agenda today. I feel sorry for my loved ones having to be around me. I’m a mixture of miserable, over emotional and so angry that I let this happen.
28th April 2017
Today was my first physio session. To say it went badly would be an understatement. My leg is in such a bad state he could barely touch it. The pain is exhausting to the point where I just cried throughout the treatment. He is hopeful that it will get better with time, but he is not able to put a timeline on it. He said it would have been better if it had gone through a full dislocation instead of the partial bit it had done. I just wish I could do something. I feel useless. I can’t see my running friends as I pretty much can’t walk for longer than 10 minutes! I miss them, I miss running and being able to alleviate bad thoughts through running. Instead I feel stuck, and sad and useless.
3rd July 2017
Two months into treatment, my physio has got my leg moving again, not pain free but moving. He said I could try a run again, but only 2 lampposts in every 1k. I don’t know if it was sheer adrenaline, but I didn’t follow the rules to the letter. I over did it. I now can’t move my leg properly. Almost to the point at the very beginning. I have no one to blame but myself. Going back to the haze of the painkillers, I feel bad for not following the rules, I’ve undone the hard work we had achieved. I don’t know how I could have been so silly. then there is all the “I told you so’s”!!! They just make me feel even worse that I already did.
30th August 2017
I think I am coming to accept that my leg may not be the same again. This has been quite a good moment to have. Maybe it is just marathon training had taken up so much time that when running was taken away I hadn’t found the activity to fill the gap. So when I got accepted to study for my MA it was a shock to the system to actually still be able to do something well. I got my preliminary first batch on results from Uni today – I passed, this made me feel good. I met up with the girls from running group and went for a walk – I think I am beginning to just say it is OK with the pity looks and the “You’ll get there” comments
12th September 2017
One thing that I have learnt since I got injured, is that everyday is a battle – Its difficult to get moving in the mornings, it difficult to stay focused on what I am trying to achieve, and its difficult to see other people just getting on with their lives when in many ways I feel so limited. I have so many things that I should feel grateful for, it just seems to hard when there are so many obstacles in the way and waves of difficulty to overcome! I attempted to run a race to try and make myself feel normal – The actual outcome was physical, mental and emotional pain. The Great North 5K is my favourite race and holds so many happy memories for me. Though my fear now is that, memories are all I am going to have now. Crossing the line I pretty much fell in to a flood of tears when meeting my marathon training partner. I fly on holiday tomorrow, and due to the punishment that I put myself through attempting to run – I fear I may have ruined it before I even leave the ground! I can hear my physios words in my head – “I told you it was a bad idea!”
26th October 2017
Think I am going to christen 2017 the worst year ever. As if my bucket wasn’t already full of enough troubles, I have now been diagnosed with Anaemia! It just keeps getting better! I feel like I just need too lock myself up in a room and not come out, I think it might be safer that way. I now have a schedule of tests that I have to have to try and find out the reason for the anaemia – More hospital visits, my favourite. I have the urge to just disappear somewhere on my own in isolation and cry. I’ve had enough! I feel like I am in a whirlpool, everything seems to be going wrong! My blood tests are all over the place, and they are getting worse!! My inflammatory markers are now high. No-one seems to be able to explain why this is all happening right now, though I am doing a tour of the hospitals visiting 3 different departments trying to find out what on Earth is wrong with me! This makes me panic, feel anxious I just have this lump in my throat the whole time. My heart hammers, and i’m just so tired. Days are tough and I feel like I am drowning. The only thing keeping me going is my family and Chris.
15th December 2018
I had my first Rheumatology appointment today. It is the first time a clinician has said its OK I can help you, I’m pretty sure I know what is going on. The Doctor asked all of my symptoms and said they are all connected. Turns out there might be an answer after all. He has set up a treatment plan for me. This felt like a turning point. Maybe I can do this maybe there is a way forward. I’m going to have injections into my ankle to help it heal. I can do this.
29th January 2018
I feel so confused. They injections were meant to help, they were meant to make me feel better. The actual procedure other than nearly passing out one injection to the ankle joint was bearable the injection into the plantar fascia, was like standing onto a plug and it breaking through. I’m not allowed to walk on it, but it already feels like the worst ever plantar fascitis. It burns and I feel so emotional about it.
11th May 2018
I started doing the couch to 5k last week, and the sessions are going well. I can’t explain how good it feels to run again. My mood has improved . I’m not going to say that it is easy, because it isn’t I am really unfit – but it is freeing to lace up your trainers – I do have to be careful because I get carried away, and it is still painful so I really have to listen to what my body is telling me and back off the pace when I get the signals…. when I say pace I think a turtle could overtake me, BUT this is a massive step.
1st June 2018
I didn’t think I could get so much joy from a days work. A colleague of Chris’s said I could help out taking photos at a wedding, for some experience – I was really nervous and I could feel the anxiety in my throat but it was so good. I felt like a normal person, doing an extraordinary job, its such a privileged to be allowed into someones special day. it also made me hugely appreciative of being able to have my family and Chris around me. One of the brides had lost a lot of family, so when I went home after hearing the stories I gave everyone an extra big hug, I am so much better off than some people and I should be grateful to have most of my important people still here with me. My Grandma would have been so proud of me today.
6th June 2018
Today I received a diagnosis and knowledge that what I have been through in the last year and a half was not in my head – it is an actual condition, and all of the things that I sustained was a disease I couldn’t have done anything about – I have Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis which is the Inflammatory Arthritis Family. It explains things even before my injury – how I struggled to recover after long runs for example. It has made me less angry – as if I hadn’t got injured I could have been struggling without knowing – the anaemia can be caused by the arthritis along with the anxiety and depression. I am going to be receiving medication and support to help me. I can see hope again!
15th June 2018
Today was a bad day. We had some very sad news that my cousin had left us. I hope he found peace at last. I think when things are not expected they hit you harder. It has really put me in a spin, I also felt guilt, should I have done more/ could I have done more? I cried a lot today, it made me anxious and I could feel the bubbles in my throat. I need to stay strong and talk about my feelings. I can’t bottle it up as I want to get through the grief. I’ve been reading about mental health a lot recently, I have recognised in myself that I need to take action to improve my own state of mind. I just need to find what works for me.
1st January 2019
Yesterday was a really emotional day. I returned to my running group to support my run group leader complete a truly amazing challenge of running a half marathon a week for a whole year. I saw a lot of my running friends many of whom I haven’t seen for a very long time and I cried A LOT. Of what I missed, of who I missed and my longing to get back to them and have my running family back around me. They give me a boost – but my recent flare ups have made this difficult for me. I was so proud of the strength of them, and from my reception, when I am ready I know I still have a place with them. This made me feel vert happy and calming in reflection. Chris and I went into Newcastle and I took some photographs and this made me happy. I have found that the photography process is my calming place, no matter how much pain I am in it is something I can do and it helps.
12th January 2019
Today I went for a walk in the local woods with my Mam. I felt like a normal human. My pain was on the minimal side, and I applied the practice of mindful/contemplative photography techniques and it was a joy. I felt fully alive not just the shell I have sometimes experienced over the last couple of years. I also achieved some images I was really happy with. I can feel it getting better like when light hits water and you can see it working its way through. After a review with my consultant we can see a 25% improvement in my condition, whilst there is still a way to go and I know not everyday is going to be like this – it felt good. I am on my way back.
2nd March 2019.
I am going to be OK. Over the last couple of months I can sense I am going to be OK, I can see the light in the sky, the sunlight on the waves the glimmering of a hopeful future. It’s been touch and go – there are things that are still going to make me overemotional – The Blue Light Choir singing “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman in Eldon Square raising money for the charity Mind was my latest example of this. I nearly cried right in the middle of the crowd – I thought of my cousin – and then I thought. I am OK, yes I am in pain, but it only proves that I am still here I am still strong and I can use my voice to help others.
“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I’m meant to be, this is me” This is me – The Greatest Showman – Songwriters Justin Paul/Benj Pasek
I’m preparing to get my images professionally printed a digital lab, I really am getting the feel for them. I can see where the images are expressing themselves and also me, I can feel the different feelings in the water and where it is trying to show my glimmers of hope and where the light is trying to show me the way.
It is also very interesting to see how the images are fitting with my diary entries. I haven’t finalised how I am going to show them just yet.
I’m not sure if it is just my subject matter but getting myself outdoors to obtain the images is helping to improve my mood and it is starting to give me purpose again.
I have been carefully researching what I need to advise people in terms of holding my workshop. I want to make it very clear that it is not a medically endorsed workshop I cannot give professional advice and what we will be doing and talking about is not a miracle cure and professional advice should be thought if you are contemplating suicide or have low mood.
When looking at some of the images as I’m preparing for print I am brought back to Mark Rothko especially on the seascape images where there are blocks of colour. The water pattern work also reminds me of Man Ray’s patterns in the dust that were featured in the David Campney Exhibition – A Handful of Dust.
I am keen that my audience understand how the water reflects my emotions and feel this can only be supported from opening a dialogue with me and reading my diary entries.
Intent: I knew this was going to be the final shot of my project. We were due a super moon and I had the visual in my head that there would be a breakthrough image – The super moon reflecting onto the sea. It would be representative of the light at the end of the tunnel.
Equipment: Nikon D3300, Tamron 70-300mm with Macro, Tripod, iPhone
Methodology: I spent a good few weeks studying the timings of the super moon, along with fitting this around my work schedule, and also the weather reports. The full affect of the super moon was to be the 19th February, but the weather was not looking to be working with me so I decided to go and get the test shots so I could make sure my equipment and set up was correct. As it turned out, although my lens was the right one for the whole of the project – every single image taken with the same set up – it was not the right one for the night time shoot – I needed to have had a wider angle. That was one lesson learnt! So I took out my trusty iPhone, and took some shots so that I could see the basic set up. So that if the shot worked I can come back the next day with the correct set up for the real event.
Research: For this shoot I did reading around night time shooting as I knew that this was something that I had never done before so it would be a new challenge to me.
Reflection on the shoot: This was always destined to be the shoot that I struggled the most with. As I had no prior experience of night time shooting. I am really glad that I carried out the research into the moon, and how to shoot at night, although I didn’t get my initial set up right. The saving grace is that I did check the weather and take my iPhone as on the 19th the weather clouded over and we saw nothing of the actual super moon, and I learnt a very valuable lesson of doing your research. What did make me happy though is in my test shot and I do understand that some won’t be happy that I have an iPhone image in my final collection, but I got the shot that I wanted the one I had envisaged and it did feel that on the computer screen, my collection of images for this project was now complete. I did have a level of anxiety as I didn’t predict how spooky the beach is in the pitch black!!! Although I did take a assistant to help me. On a personal level also, I was starting to feel better in myself, which means that my mindful photography journey had helped me, it had been therapeutic, and I was starting to enjoy it again.
I went to visit a location for my workshop/exhibition and this was at the newly refurbished Spanish City in Whitley Bay
The room I was hoping to use was right at the front of the building overlooking the sea – which would have been perfect.
A major drawback to the space was that I would not have been able to mount anything to the walls at all. Although I had planned to use large sketchbooks so that my diary entried could be mounted along side like a giant diary – i think this venue would be extremely limiting and they kept changing the times of the room.
Whilst the view from this room is perfect I don’t feel it is the right place for my work.
There are several of Derges’ work that I have been able to connect with.
Shoreline – 1997-98
Waterfall – 1998
Ice – 1996-97
Atlantic Ocean – 1997
River Taw – 1996-98
In the period 1996 – 1998 much of the work appears to be focused on water in some form or another. Whereas Horn and Sugimoto focus on the top of the water Derges work is under the water looking up.
I think this is appealing to my work as sometime you can feel like you are drowning, that you cannot survive, like you won’t ever make it to the surface, and i think it might look like this to an individual under the water.
Whilst I don’t think that this is the intention of the work, to present itself in this way, it is certainly the way that I can link this into my thinking of my project.
Particularly the work with the ice, it looks to me like the light at the end of the tunnel and quite often this is the the hope that will eventuallly lead you our to the light to draw you out of the depths and show you the way to find your way back.
This is one of the reasons that I hope to be able to capture a moonlight image so that on the surface I have a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel image.
When I brought together the images that I wanted to use my initial thought was that they couldn’t sit together and say to an audience that this was the story of a single person. Due to the constant light changes and weather changes there was nothing that really linked them together and said this is me!
Through the duration of the course I have always found myself drawn to black and white – I feel that it has more impact.
I decided to put colour and black and white side by side and see how I feel about them – I also took this to tutorial as in my head I knew I was going to go black and white but I think I was seeking confirmation that I was making the correct decision.
I felt that the black and white just had more impact and fitted with what I was trying to say.