I guess we are now at the time of the course to reflect upon how far I have come as a practitioner. Whilst it feels like the time has flown, it has not been without the peaks and troughs I described in my FMP.
I couldn’t have imagined when I got accepted onto the course that I would have created the type of FMP that I did. My projects up until FMP were with images of somethings, that I had made become something and it wasn’t until FMP that my work truly became about something, and to me it was a very import something at that.
Since my injury and subsequent Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis, mental and physical health has become very important to me, and I think that once I found the strength to talk about it really drove me to do something which could potentially help others.
This is the type of work I want to carry on with. Whilst I know I am not the best academic writer when it comes to this level of study, I have been in touch with the University of Sunderland about their PhD programme in photography and am busy starting to put together a proposal for exploring photography as a therapy.
I have also looked into Art Therapy and other Medical photography careers, which could be routes that I can explore further.
This course has led me to want to help others, who might be struggling to feel better, to use it as a complimentary therapy alongside more traditional methods, this is a huge step from when I started the course and just wanted to take visually pleasing images.
So thank you Falmouth for showing me the way, for showing me what is possible and letting me see that if I work hard enough nothing is out of my reach.
As part of the final outcome of the FMP along with the Pop up Exhibition I also wanted to share the techniques that I had learnt with others.
I had a group of 4 participants and I taught them the techniques of Stop Look Breathe Create – which were steps I learnt from the book of the same title by Wendy Ann Greenhalgh.
These were steps that were really beneficial and I used in the capturing of the images for the project.
I set out three tasks that I thought would really help to notice things that they had never noticed before in a location that I knew each of the participants would have been to on many occasions.
The first Activity was just to notice how the world felt to the body by thinking about how the ground felt beneath their feet and this prompted them to take photographs of the ground.
Another was to find colour – this was a very successful activity and where objects that they never noticed before really came to the forefront.
The final activity was to write a word in the sand that made them feel negatively – we then watched the waves wash away that word. This made everyone feel reflective about their experience.
The overwhelming reaction was that after the workshop everyone felt a little more relaxed than they had when they joined the workshop and it gave them something that they could do when time were getting a little tough – this meant that each of them left with a little but more of an idea of a coping strategy that could be employed to improve mental health and this was the goal – which I feel I achieved.
For one of the public outcomes of my Final Major Project I held a pop up exhibition at my place of work.
My employers are currently going through a process of trying to change some of the culture habits that we have developed as a company and introduce some well being policies to assist colleagues through difficult times. With this in mind I discussed my project with some of the Senior Management Team and we decided it would be really useful to have my work open for others to see.
As someone who suffers with anxiety this was a very big personal challenge not only to speak in public but also to share the personal challenges that I have experienced over the last couple of years and explored very deeply through my project.
At the Face to Face event in Falmouth there were a couple of concerns over the display of the diary entries. There was a suggestion to have them recorded so that they could be listened to while the audience viewed – I tried this but some of the entries were still quite raw to me and I wouldn’t get them recorded in a way that would have allowed the audience to understand them as it was very emotional.
What I did decide to do was to have the sound of the lapping waves in the background, and as this was something that soothed me while creating the work did act as a comfort as I delivered my presentation.
These are some photos of how I set up the exhibition. I also have the video of my presentation.
I had some feedback forms at the end, which whilst I hoped people would enjoy the work – I don’t think I ever imaged that it would actually spark a conversation, that others would actually find the work helpful, that it made them feel better that they weren’t alone. I found this emotional, a little overwhelming – but it also helped me with the knowledge that the struggles that I have had could actually help other people to deal with their situations.
The outcome of this pop up exhibitions was really positive and I have been asked to show it again so that more people can benefit from the experience.
This experience has made me also want to share this work further – I am looking at venues again as it has given me the confidence boost to be able to do this.
On the final day of activities before the Symposium, we all come together for critical review day. I went all out and booked in for 4 mainly with tutors I had already worked with either on FMP or any other the other modules.
Wendy and Stella:
It was this review where one of the images that I wasn’t sure of where it fit was removed from the selection and I carried this decision on through the rest of the day.
Whilst I really like this image as it feels to me exactly how both my mental illness and my physical disease have affected me socially, I understand that it does not fit with the rest of my images. It also means I have an even number of 16 in my final project after its removal.
Isolation, Kirsty Logan, 2019
It was also suggested that I remove the titles and also the boarders and if I can change my mount board to black.
In terms of my diary entries I could consider a handout or a zine.
Jesse and Cemre:
Again they agreed that the titles are not needed.
I need to consider how I use my diary entries – I should perhaps try the Sophie Calle – Hotel Room layout.
Watch Velvet Buzzsaw on Netflox
I should perhaps shorten some of my diary entries and simplify them.
In March
2017 I sustained an injury training for the London marathon. It was devastating. Running for me was not
only an activity that gave me my running family and the chance to socialise, it
was also the activity that ensured I was taking care of my mental health. When
this outlet was taken away from me, I not only had to cope with the physical effects
of the injury, but also a disease I did not know I was struggling with
(Rheumatoid Arthritis), this resulted in a noticeable decline in the condition
of my mental state.
This
project is a representation of the journey I have taken in search of mental and
physical recovery, and the difficulties I have faced along the way. This is
presented through the images that I have taken but equally important are the
diary entries that go hand in hand with each image to contextualise the
feelings and emotions I was experiencing. Del Loewenthal in the book
Phototherapy and therapeutic photography in a digital age, included the work of
Mike Simmons, who explored “a creative photographic approach: interpretation
and healing through creative practice” (Loewenthal, 2013) after reading this case
study I can see how I use photography as a way to translate my personal
experience to others, assisting me with another vocabulary to explain my background.
During
my recovery I took walks in an attempt to cope during the process of diagnosis
and treatment, which had a therapeutic value. Many of these walks took place at
the coast and this became the focus of my imagery due to the many connotations water
holds. There are peaks and troughs, highs and lows, rough and calm and this
reflects the pattern of mental health problems. Mental Health issues are not
always predictable – symptoms can appear and disappear, ebb and flow just like
the tide so to me it felt natural that water is my metaphor. Depth of water was
an area that I wanted to explore as not only can it be used to talk about the
depths of emotion that an individual can feel, a common phrase when people are
having a difficult time is to say that they feel out of their depth. Unless you
enter water, you cannot judge by the surface of the water what is happening below
the surface. I link this to Mental Health, as without speaking to someone you
can never know what is happening inside their mind. This is why I decided the
diary entries were so important to the final piece, as without them my audience
would not be able to see within my thoughts to see the relevance of the imagery
or why I had used water to explain these feelings.
This
was where Roni Horn’s Another Water came to be significant in my research, as
it also needs to be acknowledged that bodies of water are often places people
go to end their lives when life just seems too overwhelming to carry on
anymore. I didn’t want my audience to only be able to focus on the negative
feelings as this project is about a process of recovery. It is important to
acknowledge that there are good days and water was also integral to this. Many
people including myself find the sound of water, whether that be waves lapping
or streams trickling to be soothing. Water is also recommended by professionals
for its therapeutic benefits, many can find water cleansing, to wash away their
problems, and individuals like me who suffer with joint problems are encouraged
to exercise in the water to take pressure away from our bodies, to provide
relief and assist in recovery. This can also be linked to ceremonies involving
water, individuals get blessed and baptised using water and also believe
miracles occur, like those who make pilgrimages to Lourdes.
My project
is titled Swimming Against the Tide. I chose this title as not only does it lead
directly to my subject matter but I felt that it is an introduction to how I
think the battle with mental health feels. Sometimes you are guided gently by
the water, other days you feel defeated, like being hit by crashing waves. Other
days life can just seem a struggle, you can’t move anywhere, like attempting to
swim against the flow of the water constantly meeting barriers that stop you
moving forward until the floodgates are released and you are free to once again
move with the flow of the water.
It is this metaphorical approach that I feel is required to start a dialogue and let others know it is OK to talk about the struggles. Each of my images were captured in the North-East of England near my home where each shoot was designed to ensure that I had to leave the house and confront the difficulties. The North Sea was used for both the seascapes to explore the huge unlimited expanses of water and macro water pattern shots as a way to make sense of the emotions that I was experiencing.
The
project outcome was presented as a pop-up exhibition and workshop in my
workplace and an additional workshop showing the techniques I used. My project
also had a social media presence.
4th April 2017.
So today I ended up in a moon boot, with the instruction of if I even attempted to carry on my training for the London Marathon I would be out of my mind! The Doctors are convinced the Achilles is intact but there could be a tear which explains the popping. To say that I am devastated does not even cover it. If only I could have lasted 3 more weeks. What am I supposed to do about my charity??? I really hope no one asks for the funds back as I have no idea how I would be able to afford it!!!
23rd April 2017.
I should have been in London today. I watched all of the coverage from start to finish, willing to see my team and more importantly my training partner, who I should have been with during the highs and the lows of the 26.2 miles. I feel cheated. I cried all day, Trying to feel positive is just not on the agenda today. I feel sorry for my loved ones having to be around me. I’m a mixture of miserable, over emotional and so angry that I let this happen.
28th April 2017
Today was my first physio session. To say it went badly would be an understatement. My leg is in such a bad state he could barely touch it. The pain is exhausting to the point where I just cried throughout the treatment. He is hopeful that it will get better with time, but he is not able to put a timeline on it. He said it would have been better if it had gone through a full dislocation instead of the partial bit it had done. I just wish I could do something. I feel useless. I can’t see my running friends as I pretty much can’t walk for longer than 10 minutes! I miss them, I miss running and being able to alleviate bad thoughts through running. Instead I feel stuck, and sad and useless.
3rd July 2017
Two months into treatment, my physio has got my leg moving again, not pain free but moving. He said I could try a run again, but only 2 lampposts in every 1k. I don’t know if it was sheer adrenaline, but I didn’t follow the rules to the letter. I over did it. I now can’t move my leg properly. Almost to the point at the very beginning. I have no one to blame but myself. Going back to the haze of the painkillers, I feel bad for not following the rules, I’ve undone the hard work we had achieved. I don’t know how I could have been so silly. then there is all the “I told you so’s”!!! They just make me feel even worse that I already did.
30th August 2017
I think I am coming to accept that my leg may not be the same again. This has been quite a good moment to have. Maybe it is just marathon training had taken up so much time that when running was taken away I hadn’t found the activity to fill the gap. So when I got accepted to study for my MA it was a shock to the system to actually still be able to do something well. I got my preliminary first batch on results from Uni today – I passed, this made me feel good. I met up with the girls from running group and went for a walk – I think I am beginning to just say it is OK with the pity looks and the “You’ll get there” comments
12th September 2017
One thing that I have learnt since I got injured, is that everyday is a battle – Its difficult to get moving in the mornings, it difficult to stay focused on what I am trying to achieve, and its difficult to see other people just getting on with their lives when in many ways I feel so limited. I have so many things that I should feel grateful for, it just seems to hard when there are so many obstacles in the way and waves of difficulty to overcome! I attempted to run a race to try and make myself feel normal – The actual outcome was physical, mental and emotional pain. The Great North 5K is my favourite race and holds so many happy memories for me. Though my fear now is that, memories are all I am going to have now. Crossing the line I pretty much fell in to a flood of tears when meeting my marathon training partner. I fly on holiday tomorrow, and due to the punishment that I put myself through attempting to run – I fear I may have ruined it before I even leave the ground! I can hear my physios words in my head – “I told you it was a bad idea!”
26th October 2017
Think I am going to christen 2017 the worst year ever. As if my bucket wasn’t already full of enough troubles, I have now been diagnosed with Anaemia! It just keeps getting better! I feel like I just need too lock myself up in a room and not come out, I think it might be safer that way. I now have a schedule of tests that I have to have to try and find out the reason for the anaemia – More hospital visits, my favourite. I have the urge to just disappear somewhere on my own in isolation and cry. I’ve had enough! I feel like I am in a whirlpool, everything seems to be going wrong! My blood tests are all over the place, and they are getting worse!! My inflammatory markers are now high. No-one seems to be able to explain why this is all happening right now, though I am doing a tour of the hospitals visiting 3 different departments trying to find out what on Earth is wrong with me! This makes me panic, feel anxious I just have this lump in my throat the whole time. My heart hammers, and i’m just so tired. Days are tough and I feel like I am drowning. The only thing keeping me going is my family and Chris.
15th December 2018
I had my first Rheumatology appointment today. It is the first time a clinician has said its OK I can help you, I’m pretty sure I know what is going on. The Doctor asked all of my symptoms and said they are all connected. Turns out there might be an answer after all. He has set up a treatment plan for me. This felt like a turning point. Maybe I can do this maybe there is a way forward. I’m going to have injections into my ankle to help it heal. I can do this.
29th January 2018
I feel so confused. They injections were meant to help, they were meant to make me feel better. The actual procedure other than nearly passing out one injection to the ankle joint was bearable the injection into the plantar fascia, was like standing onto a plug and it breaking through. I’m not allowed to walk on it, but it already feels like the worst ever plantar fascitis. It burns and I feel so emotional about it.
11th May 2018
I started doing the couch to 5k last week, and the sessions are going well. I can’t explain how good it feels to run again. My mood has improved . I’m not going to say that it is easy, because it isn’t I am really unfit – but it is freeing to lace up your trainers – I do have to be careful because I get carried away, and it is still painful so I really have to listen to what my body is telling me and back off the pace when I get the signals…. when I say pace I think a turtle could overtake me, BUT this is a massive step.
1st June 2018
I didn’t think I could get so much joy from a days work. A colleague of Chris’s said I could help out taking photos at a wedding, for some experience – I was really nervous and I could feel the anxiety in my throat but it was so good. I felt like a normal person, doing an extraordinary job, its such a privileged to be allowed into someones special day. it also made me hugely appreciative of being able to have my family and Chris around me. One of the brides had lost a lot of family, so when I went home after hearing the stories I gave everyone an extra big hug, I am so much better off than some people and I should be grateful to have most of my important people still here with me. My Grandma would have been so proud of me today.
6th June 2018
Today I received a diagnosis and knowledge that what I have been through in the last year and a half was not in my head – it is an actual condition, and all of the things that I sustained was a disease I couldn’t have done anything about – I have Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis which is the Inflammatory Arthritis Family. It explains things even before my injury – how I struggled to recover after long runs for example. It has made me less angry – as if I hadn’t got injured I could have been struggling without knowing – the anaemia can be caused by the arthritis along with the anxiety and depression. I am going to be receiving medication and support to help me. I can see hope again!
15th June 2018
Today was a bad day. We had some very sad news that my cousin had left us. I hope he found peace at last. I think when things are not expected they hit you harder. It has really put me in a spin, I also felt guilt, should I have done more/ could I have done more? I cried a lot today, it made me anxious and I could feel the bubbles in my throat. I need to stay strong and talk about my feelings. I can’t bottle it up as I want to get through the grief. I’ve been reading about mental health a lot recently, I have recognised in myself that I need to take action to improve my own state of mind. I just need to find what works for me.
1st January 2019
Yesterday was a really emotional day. I returned to my running group to support my run group leader complete a truly amazing challenge of running a half marathon a week for a whole year. I saw a lot of my running friends many of whom I haven’t seen for a very long time and I cried A LOT. Of what I missed, of who I missed and my longing to get back to them and have my running family back around me. They give me a boost – but my recent flare ups have made this difficult for me. I was so proud of the strength of them, and from my reception, when I am ready I know I still have a place with them. This made me feel vert happy and calming in reflection. Chris and I went into Newcastle and I took some photographs and this made me happy. I have found that the photography process is my calming place, no matter how much pain I am in it is something I can do and it helps.
12th January 2019
Today I went for a walk in the local woods with my Mam. I felt like a normal human. My pain was on the minimal side, and I applied the practice of mindful/contemplative photography techniques and it was a joy. I felt fully alive not just the shell I have sometimes experienced over the last couple of years. I also achieved some images I was really happy with. I can feel it getting better like when light hits water and you can see it working its way through. After a review with my consultant we can see a 25% improvement in my condition, whilst there is still a way to go and I know not everyday is going to be like this – it felt good. I am on my way back.
2nd March 2019.
I am going to be OK. Over the last couple of months I can sense I am going to be OK, I can see the light in the sky, the sunlight on the waves the glimmering of a hopeful future. It’s been touch and go – there are things that are still going to make me overemotional – The Blue Light Choir singing “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman in Eldon Square raising money for the charity Mind was my latest example of this. I nearly cried right in the middle of the crowd – I thought of my cousin – and then I thought. I am OK, yes I am in pain, but it only proves that I am still here I am still strong and I can use my voice to help others.
“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I’m meant to be, this is me” This is me – The Greatest Showman – Songwriters Justin Paul/Benj Pasek
Kirsty Logan Photography 